I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
