how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
