Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
