You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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