Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
