If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
