Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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