i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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