I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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