I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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