WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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