why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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