i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
