Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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