Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
