bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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