Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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