mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
