I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
