somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
