I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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