Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize