i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
