so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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