my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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