I want to walk on stilts...naked
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
