just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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