when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize