I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
