I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
