and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
