so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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