Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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