it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
