marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
vagina is talking i cant
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
