just tell him i said nine months
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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