I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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