I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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