is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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