where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
