There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
