i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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