Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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