Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
