I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
