so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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