i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
