I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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