I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
