morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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