I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
