Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
