Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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