just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
