I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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