when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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